excel-lent

After picking up the pieces of my broken heart I was quickly becoming overwhelmed at all the different wedding venues. All day long I was sending RFPs (wedding talk: Request for Proposal) but I didn't know who responded, who I called, who was eliminated, who I was or even who I was marrying.

What day is it?

Enter excel:

VENUE

ADDRESS

CONTACT

PHONE

WEBSITE

EMAIL

FEES

DEPOSITS

MEALS

CATERING

ALCOHOL

CONTACT?

NOTES

Paso Robles Inn

1103 Spring Street, Paso Robles, CA 93446

805/226-4927

http://www.pasoroblesinn.com/

events@pasoroblesinn.com

$1,000–3,000

$1,000–3,000

$18–46

provided

provided

rfp 1/17

Tax, alcohol and a 20% service charge are additional

Hummingbird House

Templeton/Paso Robles, CA 93465

Daniel Sapriel

805/226-8575

http://www.hummingbirdhouse.org/

info@hummingbirdhouse.org

$4,500

1,000

list

BYO

rfp 1/17

beautiful with lots of tree, weeping willows

Lago Giuseppe Cellars and Event Site

8345 Highway 46 West, Templeton, CA 93465

special events

805/237-7300

http://www.lagogiuseppe.com

info@lagogiuseppe.com

$1,000–7,000

50%

$15–65

byo

byo w/ fee

rfp 1/17

6.5 hours, 3 case min purchase of the house wine

Still Waters Vineyard

2750 Old Grove Lane, Paso Robles, CA 93446

805/237-9231

www.stillwatersvineyards.com

kasey@stillwatersvineyards.com

25/ per person 1500 min

list

provided

rfp 1/17

3 case min.

Carriage Vineyards

4337 South El Pomar, Templeton, CA 93465

Leigh Anne

805/227-6807

http://www.carriagevineyards.com

leighanne@carriagevineyards.com

$3200.00 PLUS ROOM TAX

byo

winebeer

rfp 1/17

You bring Tables, chairs, linens You do all set up and take down.)

This was the final countdown. On this list is the place where I will be wed.

(Don't adjust your screen/ resolution or whatever else you think might be causing that funny formatting issue. It's me. I didn't bother to change the size of the excel workmook so that it would be easier to read because frankly, it brings me pleasure to complicate your life.)

Heartbreak City

This process is not fun. Maybe I'm not doing it right but so far, no fun.  It's a real test of your heart's ability to withstand heartbreak.

Exhibit A: The Sea Ranch

We know in order to have a great wedding on a budget creativity is key. Our first effort at creativity was to decide to have a small wedding in an unconventional place.

So we chose the Sea Ranch at $1400 a night for 3 nights. 72 hrs of family vacation time  + a wedding for what most places charge for a 4 hr wedding. It was a great idea, and were convinced we beat the system. Then I slipped and told them it wasn't a small family reunion we were hosting it was actually a small wedding. BTW- Cardinal wedding planning rule #1:  never mention wedding. Wedding = $$$$$$$ and Sea Ranch was no exception. A wedding at Sea Ranch = $8000 on top of the cost for the $1400 x 3 night stay. HEARTBREAK city.

breathe

Alek (the lucky man) sat me down, literally, to try and snap me out of it. At least I think that's what he was trying to do, I was too busy researching wedding favors. Have you ever been to wedding where you received tiny tins of caviar with two mother-of-pearl spoons attached? I wonder if we could make that work on our budget?

I'll right maybe I am getting a little out if hand. Dare I say . . . BRideZilla  . . . .

I have to check this. The truth is we are on a budget, in part because we have to be, but mostly because it's just so damn stupid to spend $50,000 on one night. Do you know what $50,000 could by you?

Well there's this for starters . . .

Or 3 years worth of mortgage payments on this house:



or for one night you could have this . . .

I choose roof over my head. boo sensibility. consider me back, albeit begrudgingly.

F U VERA WANG

So after BB got me all jazzed up to be the Anti-Bride, F the wedding industry and all, I felt empowered and ready to plan my wedding my way . . . until  . . . . this showed up in my inbox:

Do you see how she is taunting me . . . . Spend $6000 on me . . . on you . . . you only get ONE big day.

Instantly I thought, maybe I could sell one of my ovaries. And I was serious. True story. And that's exactly what stupid Vera Wang wanted making a dress like that. She's got some nerve. BITCH.

There is only one other time in my life when I can remember feeling like I had to have something so bad, (ok maybe 2 but I'll take that story to the grave) that I would do anything to have it. Once I was shopping with my aunt on Rodeo Drive (we must have been lost), we were at Tiffany's and I tried on a diamond ring that was so beautiful I actually hatched out a plan to over take the security guard and run as fast as I could out to my aunts car where she would be waiting to make a quick get-a-way. Again, I was serious. This is what pretty-sparkly things do to me. Even I am appalled at my own ridiculousness but what is a girl to do, it is my one and only wedding after all!  

"$#!?, now we have to plan a wedding!!"

After the elation of being proposed to wore off I was hit with the realization that being engaged meant that I had to plan a wedding. Panic stuck, I visited my local borders, where all secrets to the unknown are housed. In order to navigate in this new world I had to know it inside and out. I bought a million magazines, a planner and also the book Bridal Bargains. I quickly learned that planning a wedding SUCKS!! It does. It's all consuming and annoying.

After reading the aforementioned book I hated the idea even more. The book went on for 468 pages outlining how planning a wedding was the equivalent of being bent over and being expected to say thank you afterwards (I know this doesn't evoke very lady-like imagery but again, the facts are the facts).

So that you might truly understand the intensity of planning a wedding I've attached the Bridal Bargains Table of Contents as outlined on their accompanying website: http://www.windsorpeak.com/bridalbargains/



Bridal Bargains: Table of ContentsWhat's inside Bridal Bargains

Introduction
Chapter 1
Introduction
So, Who Are You Guys?
The 4 Truths About Weddings
You Won’t Read In Etiquette Books
The Goal of this Book
Wow! There’s No Advertising!
How Much Does the Average U.S. Wedding Cost?
The Five Fields’ Commandments for Bridal Bargains
The BRIDAL CLOCK
What’s New In This Edition?

Part I: Your Wedding
Chapter 2
Apparel for the Bride
The Olympics of Shopping
Hidden Costs Can Add Up
Web Sites To Ease Gown Shopping
Games that Bridal Shops Play
Top 7 Best Excuses for Tag Ripping
Designer Trunk Shows: Tips & Traps
Why Ordering a Gown Takes So Long
17 Step-by-Step Shopping Strategies
Good vs. Bad Gown Quality
Questions to Ask Before You Order the Gown
Special Warning: Use Your Credit Card!
26 Money-Saving Secrets
Real Wedding Tip: eBay Success Stories
No Frills Deals
Real Wedding Tip: Make you Own Headpiece
The Running of the Brides: Filene’s Sale
The Myth of Italian Satin & 4 More Dress Myths
“Over-Sizing” and 14 More Pitfalls
Bridal 911: What Happens If the Shop Disappears
Reviews of the Top 72 Bridal Designers
Looking for a Large Size
Chart: Designers Compared
Chart: Also Known As: Designer Aliases
Big Mark-Ups Ahead: Accessories & Extras
The Catalog Chase
Fake Vera’s and Marshall Fields
Best Buy: Save 20% to 40% by mail
Best Buy: Discount Gown Web Sites
Best Buy: Bridal Outlets
Factory Stores New Twist on Outlets
Not Recommended: David’s Bridal
Gown Preservation
Bridal Magazines: Friend or Foe?

Chapter 3
Apparel for the Wedding Party
Bridesmaids’ Gowns
Our Buying Strategy
5 Shopping Strategies
Do it by Mail and 13 More Money-Savers
Chart: Bridesmaids Options
Square Peg, Round Hole and 7 More Pitfalls
Real Wedding Tip: Delivery, Sizing Problems
Reviews of 22 Maids Designers & Manufactures
“Made in America” Maids Dresses Disappearing
Are Gown Knock-0ffs Legal?
Tuxedos: The Three Options
Grooms in Cyberspace
Tux Shopping Tips & Recommendations
5 Money-Saving Secrets

Chapter 4
Ceremony Sites
Religious vs. Civil Ceremonies
8 Sources for Ceremony Sites & Officiants
Important Questions to Ask the Site Coordinator
Real Wedding Tip: Church Fees Can Add Up
Most/Least Popular Wedding Months by State
Why Civic Sites are Best Bargains

Chapter 5
Wedding Flowers
Average Floral Costs
Florists Come in Three Flavors
Three Floral Web Sites for Advice, Bargains
Florist Shopping: 9 Steps & Questions to Ask
26 Money-Savers
Table Centerpieces On the Cheap
Seven Floral Best Buys
Go European and 7 More Helpful Tips
The Mercedes Syndrome and 5 More Pitfalls
Real Wedding Tip: The Surprise Consulting Fee
Trends: Herbal Ideas & More
Spotlight on Roses: Types & Colors
Best Buy: Buying Flowers at Wholesale on the ‘Net
Best Buy: Craft Stores
Dictionary of Wedding Flowers

Chapter 6
Invitations
Why Invitations Are Priced a La Carte
Where to Buy: Retail vs. Mail Order
7 Cool Invitation Web Sites
9 Steps in the Ordering Process
5 Questions to Ask A Stationer
Real Wedding Tip: How Many Should You Invite?
Thermography and 13 More Money-Savers
Brazen Bridal Registries & Four More Helpful Hints
The “Engraved Invitation” Myth
“Pet Postal Peeves” and 7 More Pitfalls
11 of the Best Stationary Printers
Do It By Mail: 12 Invitation Catalogs
Chart: Mail Order Invites Compared
Best Buy: Wedding Invitation Kit
Best Buy: Online Invitation Discounters
Best Buy: Do-it-yourself Paper Supplies
Spotlight: Wedding Favors: 10 Ideas

Part II: Your Reception
Chapter 7
Reception Sites
The Big Trade-Off
Six Surprising Sources
Finding Sites on the Web
11 Questions to Ask Any Site
Best Bargains: Biz Hotels, Civic Sites and More
Tent Rental 101
The Marriage Mark-Up
Kickbacks and 6 More Pitfalls to Avoid
6 Most Common Site Types: Good, Bad News
Real Wedding Tip: Catering Insider Dishes Dirt
Hotels: Never Pay the Rack Rate!
The Amazing Send-Off: Fireworks

Chapter 8
Catering
The Big Bucks: Food, Beverages, Labor, Rentals
Real Wedding Tip: Open vs. Cash Bars
Average Catering Costs
The Two Types of Caterers
When To Book a Caterer
18 Questions to Ask a Caterer
The Dessert Reception & 21 More Money-Savers
Deals at Wholesale Clubs
Plastic Plate Myth
Real Wedding Tip: Tips on Tipping
How to Feed 100 for $100
“Frozen Food” and 5 More Pitfalls
Real Wedding Tip: Liquor Slight of Hand

Chapter 9
Photography
What You’re Buying: Candids, Albums, Portraits
Digital Albums: The Latest Craze
What Are Exposures, Proofs, Prints?
Are Wedding Photographers Overpaid?
Where NOT to Look For a Good Photographer
Digital vs. Medium Format Cameras
Proofless Studios Speed Album Deliveries
Why Personality is Just As Important As Skill
9 Shopping Strategies
Questions to Ask Any Wedding Photographer
Art Leather Albums: The Inside Story
12 Money-Savers, including the Kodak Party Pak
Real Wedding Tip: Mail Order Albums
The Great Before or After Controversy
“Bait & Switch” and 8 More Pitfalls
Odd Angles & Blurred Shots: Latest Trends

Chapter 10
Cakes
Average Total Costs
Nine Wedding Cake Trends
The Three Types of Bakeries
How Soon To Book the Baker?
Taste Tests and More Shopping Strategies
Five Questions to Ask
Cake Slight-Of-Hand & 11 More Bargains
Real Wedding Tip: That’s Nuts!
The “Mystery White Icing” and 4 More Pitfalls
Disappearing Deposits

Chapter 11
Wedding Videos
“In-Camera” vs Post-Editing
Average Costs
How to Find a Good Videographer
5 Basics of a Good Wedding Video
Videos: Good, Bad, Ugly
10 Questions to Ask
Ceremony Only Packages and 11 More Bargains
The Balkans of Bridal
“Director’s Disease” and 6 More Video Pitfalls
New trends: Webcasting, TV Themes, Retrospectives

Chapter 12
Entertainment
Ceremony Music: Prelude, Processional/Recessional
Reception Music: Bands & DJ’s
Nine Surprising Sources for Musicians
Finding a DJ on the ‘Net
Step-by-Step Shopping Strategies
11 Questions to Ask Musicians
iPod Weddings and 9 More Money-Savers
Real Wedding Tip: Hiring Student Musicians
The “Yucky DJ Myth”
Canned vs. Fresh: Hire a Band or DJ?
Milli Vanilli Demo Tapes and 4 More Pitfalls
Agents: Helping Hand or Scum of the Earth?

Chapter 13
Etcetera
Limousines
Shopping Strategies, Money-Savers
Rent a Caddy and 8 other money-savers
Watch out: Sleazy Limo Driver
Wedding Rings
Best Buy: Get Your Rings at a Discount
Dubious Items: Wedding Insurance, Name Change Kits
Bridal Shows: Highway to Bridal Hell?
Royal Prestige Cookware Pitch Exposed
Wedding Consultants
Question to Ask a Bridal Planner
Pitfalls to Avoid With Planners
Gift Registries
16 Salt-N-Pepper Shakers and 3 More Pitfalls
6 Money-Saving Tips
How to turn unwanted gifts into cash
Honeymoons
15 Honeymoon Bargains
Chart: When is the Off Season?
Hurricane Proof Your Honeymoon
How to Create Your Own Wedding Web Site

Chapter 14
Canada
Bridal Gowns: Money-Saving Ideas
Invitations: Canadian Mail Order Catalogs
A Web Site for Canada Brides

Chapter 15
Bridal 911: Last Minute Consumer Tips
Meet the Surrogate Bad Cop
The Final Checkup
Wedding Day Crises: How to Survive Them

Chapter 16
Conclusion: What Does it All Mean?

Appendix: Setting a Budget
Appendix: Phone/Web Directory

Index
About the Authors

FML.

The Anti-Bride

 The Anti-bride, That's what I thought I was. I never thought about my wedding. I never thought about my wedding dress. In fact I never thought I'd be married. Who in their right mind would want to be? But here I stand ashamed and defeated, in love and engaged to be married. Gross, I know. But the facts are the facts. When it came time to put up or shut up, I was speechless. It's easy to have a strong opinion about something until it's you that is being asked to sacrifice your string quartet. Feel free to close this page now. Two years ago I would have. But one day when your knee-deep in to-dos and it's your string-quartet, you'll think of me and you'll be back.

Our "engagement" photo. Whatever that means. It's cheesy, he's only half smiling and frankly, I was cold as hell. But everyone kept asking for an "engagement" photo (insert nagging voice) (think Seinfield, "You gotta to see the baby"). So, we obliged.